KINGS BLEED TOO

Dad has been sober from drugs for 27 years of his life. His son is 30 years old. My Superhero. My King. My idol; been imperfect, been in pain. He's been dealing with issues of loneliness, abandonment, self-worth, depression, and identity. Dad went on to have 4 sons. All 4 of them different, like the 3 different Mothers who birthed them. One of them, like his Father is, like his Mother is, was always into something. He sang in the church choir. He played the lead role in all the school plays, and always stood out whenever he had a ball in his hands.

He always kept a journal, just like his Mother. He was always writing/expressing his voice thru scribbled words only he could read. These days he still writes, as does his Mother. 30 years of pain. 30 years of joy. 30 years of tears. This is his story so far. Kings Bleed Too. Welcome to his fears.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

I'm tired of feeling like the life I'm living isn't good enough for me.  It's like there is something greater out there for me.  I wake up in a solid space, that I'm extremely grateful for.  My bills are paid, my stomach is full, but yet i'm still here, very much starving as I write this to the tune of "Love Yours" by J.Cole.

Some are motivated by fear.  Their desire to be successful is driven by their fear of the consequences of being perceived as unsuccessful. Others are motivated by incentive.  There's an external force that serves as tangible reflection of their success... validation. 

But none of those quite work for me.  You see, I'm not afraid of anything. There will always be some new, cool thing out there and I just want to be great at something, because...I just have to be.

As a child I would watch the older kids, in my neighborhood (Coney Island) play basketball.  I'd watch them play, and one day I decided that I wanted to be better than them.  Not because they did anything to me, not because they challenged me, but rather, I challenged myself.  I remember watching a Bulls vs. Knicks game with my dad as a child. I remember watching Michael Jordan play and thinking to myself, "I'm going to kick his butt one day".  I recall not ever wanting to wear any other players jersey as a kid. At one point, I had this phase where I bought nameless jerseys, just so I could put my own name on them.  Since I was a young boy I wanted to be great, I needed to be great.

Maybe it's time I take some chances. Well, more than the ones that I've taken to date. Yes, I'm what some would consider to be "good", but I need great! I need to live on through my works far after I'm gone. I need my intentions to bleed through my thumbs with every letter I strike as I create these moments.

A chip on my shoulder? No. It's more like a brick or a boulder. So, you can imagine that my disdain for the universe when I'm not in spaces that I believe I'm destined for.  I guess that's why I work so hard.  I guess that's why I move so intentionally.  I don't care about letting anyone down, or disappointing anyone else. I will succeed and be great. Not because of some fear of failure, or some external prizes. No, I will be great because that's what I was meant to have.

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~Stay True To The Good

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