KINGS BLEED TOO

Dad has been sober from drugs for 27 years of his life. His son is 30 years old. My Superhero. My King. My idol; been imperfect, been in pain. He's been dealing with issues of loneliness, abandonment, self-worth, depression, and identity. Dad went on to have 4 sons. All 4 of them different, like the 3 different Mothers who birthed them. One of them, like his Father is, like his Mother is, was always into something. He sang in the church choir. He played the lead role in all the school plays, and always stood out whenever he had a ball in his hands.

He always kept a journal, just like his Mother. He was always writing/expressing his voice thru scribbled words only he could read. These days he still writes, as does his Mother. 30 years of pain. 30 years of joy. 30 years of tears. This is his story so far. Kings Bleed Too. Welcome to his fears.

I MOVED ON AT 5AM

I'm tired of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm fed up with feeling internally undervalued and externally admired. The other day someone attempted to barter with me. As though my time, talents, and services were somehow comparable to a pair of sneakers. Insulted is what I felt, bothered me, truly. I envisioned myself in a rage of violence, but in reality they never approached me rudely. Their smile and cadence were presented authentically. And by authentic I mean that you could tell they've done this before. But this isn't my first time sitting courtside, beloved. I know this game, and how it's played. Shiiit, I wrote some of the rules to it...

But I digress for now, being at my best is of the now. But I still get noticed from a distance from your Mrs...I wished you paid her more attention. Maybe then it wouldn't seem like this is my intention. Did I mention how I sleep at night? Imagine laying next to someone you knew wasn't right. Like you knew this was wrong. You knew she wasn't the one. But she's there, I mean here. And no one else seems to care enough come see you. I mean yeah, you could explore other options, but that ain't worth much. Not every women is worth the headache. It's like I know my intentions, and I know my focus. So when I encounter energy from a woman I just proceed like I don't notice. I mean the signs are there, I feel the vibes, but I just don't bother anymore. It's merely a distraction. I can't be a hoe and a household name too. I can't be a mentor, and a misogynist too. I can't be a leader of men, and raise a son to respect women, when I live a life in which I merely see women as objects. So what if i'm honest with them about my intentions. So what if I make it known that dating them seriously is not a possibility. I often sit amongst men who brag about their encounters. Like it's an accomplishment to not have felt real love. I can't help but feel disconnected, but yet I'm in the same room as them.

until I moved on

things are different now.