I remember moving back home in 2012 and reconnecting with a woman named A.T. I don’t want to put her on blast, so im using her initials. It’s crazy bc I knew her since middle school. Our families went to church together and they still do. Any who, she was the most reactive woman I ever met. I could NOT tell her anything. She punched me once. I remember not speaking to her for maybe 2 weeks after she hit me. She reached out to me on some “why aren’t you talking to me” vibe. She was abusive then, and if im being honest, i was too naive and "in love" to see how badly her energy impacted me.
You see, i’m a terrible liar. I'm not good at lying AT ALL. However, my bad lying ass will tell a lie quick if I feel like i'm going to be unfairly judged and abused because of being honest. I really have to trust someone to be vulnerable with them. It’s something I’m getting better at, but I really struggle with opening up to/trusting people...At the sametime, I wasn't always like this, Nor do I think that kind of behavior is acceptable. I hate that about myself and it's something I am working to change each and everyday. So far, so good.
Anyways, me and her broke up. I almost died in the hospital after a horrific car accident, and she never came to see me. Whatever. Fast forward, I met another woman. I fell in love with her pretty fast. Like a week in. Looking back, it was because i was so hurt from being with A.T that the next woman to be nice to me was like a Goddess to me. About 6/7months into our relationship she shared with me that she dealt with chronic depression, anxiety as well as an eating disorder. At the time, I DID NOT understand the magnitude of what that meant and or the skills needed to grow in love with someone in that space. I grew up in the church. I've always had a very strong relationship with God. I come from a big family. Im inherently loyal to the people I love. But i remember beginning to feel hopeless in that relationship.
It’s odd bc I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A SUPER SPIRITUAL AND POSITIVE PERSON. I loved going to church. My mother is a pastor, and so are many of my mentors. At one point in my life, i wanted to be a Pastor myself. I say these things because the culture of spirituality is something I grew up in. It's also a sacred space of love and confidence for me. I was always a prayerful person who relied on my relationship with God to guide me each and everyday. It's where my confidence stems from now that I think about it.
But when I met this woman i just stopped going to church. You see, I was honest with her about my past with A.T. I told her everything, and she used it against me. Now i'm not saying she's evil. She prob doesn't realize how that behavior impacted me, but it sure did. When I wanted to go to church, she questioned my intentions. She felt like I was trying to get back with my ex, or that my ex would try and get back with me (even tho that wasn't true). If you know me well, I never run back to people. Until this day, I have only done that with one person, Cierra. Anyways, I remember asking her to go to church with me. Because I was honest with her about A.T, she didn't want to go. Furthermore, she would argue with me about why I wanted to attend that church. She would also make me feel bad about wanting to go alone if i hinted at it. She would question me about wanting to get back with A.T. She would tell me she was miserable and beg me not to leave her. And because of my blind loyalty and love for her, I listened.
You see, i did not want to hurt her because I loved her. I never want to hurt a woman I love, or see them cry. It kills me in way that reminds me of the terrible things my dad did to my mom. Anyways, I did not want her to feel alone and unloved. On several occasions throughout our almost 3 year relationship, this woman would tell me she was going to commit suicide. It didn’t help that I would come to her place and find a shit load of pills just lying around the house like some sort of decorations. I felt like i needed to be with her at all times to protect her from herself. I compromised my honesty for her. I compromised my relationship with God for her.
I never realized how much that relationship impacted me until now. I think back to the women i’ve dated since then, or even my personal relationship with God. And man, i really lost my way. I’ve always wanted to read the bible with the woman I loved. I’ve always wanted to attend church regularly with the woman I loved. We ain’t have to be trying to get married. We ain’t gotta be celibate or nothing conservative like that. But that spiritual foundation, FOR ME, is a necessary component for me to further a relationship with a woman I am in love with. Because of those relationships, i became a different person. A person I DO NOT LIKE. A person i am daily trying to move away from and towards the person I know i am. Cierra would ask me about prayer and church. It would trigger feelings I thought I dealt with. I would clam up and lie because I wasn't sure how she would respond. I desperately wanted to do bible studies with her. I wanted to attend church with her or just pray with her when things between us were good and or bad. But we never did. In my heart and in my head, I felt like she would resent me like my ex did. I felt like had I shown her that side of me she would have thought I was weird and judged me, even tho she was the one bringing it up.
You see, i never had issues being myself before. Like, a person like me, for the most part, have NEVR EVER lacked confidence. Ive always been confident. I was just born this way. But when you love someone, when you’re loyal to someone who doesn’t love themselves, someone who doesn’t believe in themselves, sticking around them long enough will make their problems your problems. I know both of these ex's never aimed to make my life miserable. I do still believe they loved me, just not in a way that worked for me. But both of those relationships consisted of more negative moments than positives. More trauma than happiness tbh. I'm not blaming anyone because i'm not a victim. But damn, i’ve been impacted in ways that I never realized. I'm 30 years old and there are things I just don't love about myself. Anyone who knows me knows, I'm always willing to work to get better. Whether that's my love life, career, family time, or just my own personal development. I want to be the best version of myself because I genuinely love me some me. But it took some broken hearts, hurtful comments and behavior that I just never exhibited before for me to realize that I really have turned into a person that I don't recognize when I look in the mirror. First step in growing/addressing a problem is identifying the source then admitting you have one, or vice versa, I dunno lol.
It’s weird to be honest because there are moments in which I experienced happiness in both of these relationships. But the residue from them has left a stain on my heart and in my mind. I used to date a woman named Cierra. I wanted to grow with spiritually. To be honest, I had dreams of marrying her. But I just couldn't get past my own bullshit. I remember being reluctant to talk to her about God, or even church because i felt like she would attack me for it like the woman before her did. I then felt like maybe going with her wasn’t a good idea bc I had done that with A.T. And that got me snuffed and fought with, you know? They say hurt people hurt other people. Well broken people will break you too.
Until it’s time to put yourself back together. That's where I'm at right now. I'm alone and i'm okay with that. I'm broken, and i'm not okay with that. But i'm growing each and everyday. I'm learning. I'm doing the little things like reading my bible daily and going for runs. I decided to get off social media. It's so triggering. I look at subtweets and want to cry. I see conversations with people that break my soul.
But there is healing in forgiveness. So much of me feels miserable because I know I could have done better in my past relationships. But I'm learning to accept those moments as lessons to be learned from, and moments of growth. I forgive myself for the fucked up shit I did, whether it was lying about dumb shit, or being loyal to people who had a negative impact on me, or just like not being present in my relationship because I was so fucked up over my past. I'm a good person, but I have not been one to myself and others for a while. That ends right the fuck now.
8th February 12:02am Thursday. I'll be back another time for part 2. Got some emotions to WRK thru.
STAY TRUE TO THE GOOD