Life's a trip. One minute you're having lunch with your father figure. Excited to have him join you for dinner at your soon to be new apartment. The next week you're getting calls that he died of cancer. Scary how someone can be with you one day, and in hospice care the next. I guess change is the only constant guaranteed in this life. These days I'm dealing with a number of changes. And regardless of whether or not I like them, I'm learning not to question God's timing.
Earlier this year I lost a friend, she's still alive though. I coached middle school and AAU basketball with a woman. We became friends because It was her who first encouraged me to become a basketball coach. It was back in like 2014. I barely knew her, but we clicked on basketball tip, so I went with it. It also gave me an immediate niche as far as training went. Prior to her asking me to coach Basketball, I had only trained Football players. Basketball is GOD in NYC. So me getting into the sport lent itself to more growth than Football ever could.
I hit the ground running and leveraged TF outta the experience. Our teams developed, our athletes began to improve and people began to recognize me as the legitimate basketball mind. Combine that with my understanding of kinesiology and strength and conditioning, and I was a pretty damn good package. I'm solid on social media so I was able to market my teams performances and development well enough to help me land a job at NIKE/Jordan Brand as the head trainer at Terminal 23. I got the gig because I'm amazing at my job. If i'm being honest, the idea to get into Basketball didn't turn into a reality until she approached me about it. I had thought about it before, but i hesitated because of my lack of confidence and the depression I was dealing with at that time.
Now during these past 3 years, i'm traveling most of my weekends with her and the team. As friends we are getting closer...And then things got really really really weird. You see, me and her never dated. She was my friend and tbh I had a gf when I met her. But our second year coaching she made it clear that she had feelings that stretched beyond friendship. I kept my wits about me because I never felt like she genuinely liked me. Always felt like I was more of just a good looking dude that she wanted to fuck one day, then go about her life like it never happened. I tried my hardest to never believe her when she told me how she felt about me. I was content being friends with her bc I had a gf and bc I really just never believed her. One day she went so far as to tell me that she saw me as the father of her children and envisioned us having a family together. I swear, I hate when people look me in my eyes and lie to me. But that was the moment I would regret. That was the one instance in which I allowed myself to consider: What if she's being honest?
Needless to say, we never had sex or dated but occasionally we would end up alone, and a the same old conversation about us would come up. I remember one day asking her about her relationship with her then EX BF. She down played the relationship and told me him and her weren't an item and just reconnecting for getting some closure. Of course I wasn't trippin bc I'm just not the type to be in my feelings over some pussy that ain't mine. This was back in Jan/Feb of 17. I remember writing To Whom It May Concern. I remember being upset, but not because me and her didn't workout. I was already with someone at the time I wrote that, and I was madly in love with them7. The problem for me was simple:
Why did she go so hard to mislead me? Why did you go so far to express feelings to me that weren't real? We have since talked, but I'm content in my feelings of not identifying her as a real friend. I onced believed that above all things, we were friends, so we could always be honest with one another. I was wrong. I can live with being lied to. NIGGAS LIE EVERYDAY. NIGGAS WAKE UP AND LIE. But you tired to make be out to be crazy and a damn fool. I hate being made to feel like a damn fool. Like we could have just been cool. We could have just been homies, Coached, and kept it moving. I cried that day in your laundry I felt emotional. But my tears weren't because of the passion in your words.
I remember feeling like I could confide in you about the other things I was dealing with in my life. My mom being sick, or when myself and my ex broke up. I valued you as a friend. And when you txt me saying you were pregnant, I felt like I got confirmation that the friend I thought I had, was never my friend at all. I can move past it now. I can forgive you now. Most of all, I can forgive myself. I'm happier and in a better space without you in my life. I wish you and Kenan well. TBH don't give AF lol. I just needed to get this off my chest because there's someone out there who deserves me at my best and all the amazing friendship and or just genuine and authentic/untarnished love I have to offer. That person is me :-) and the woman I see in my dreams every night7.
Speaking of women in my dreams...I want to apologize to someone. I dated a woman once who went out of her way to make me take the the love language exam. At first, I enjoyed the activity. I thought It was a way for us to bond and grow closer together. BUUUUUUUT, she treated me like a piece of shit. She was a complete (not nice word that starts with a B) mean person. Wasn't all her fault tho, she had bigger issues than the ones I was equipped to handle. Be that as it may, for a large part of that 3 year relationship, I resented her and harbored a ton of negative energy. I always felt attacked and harassed. I remember sleeping on the train outdoors in the winter instead of coming home and dealing with her. She belittled me, talked down to me, and hurt me in ways I never knew possible. I often walked away from her feeling like a dumbass and completely worthless. Why is this important?
The woman I said that I was madly in love with earlier, I owe her a big apology. I absolutely believe in love languages. An ex I was in love with, she asked me about my love language SO SHE COULD LOVE ME BETTER. And my scarred, unhealed, jaded, broken heart having ass was like: This test is stupid. SMH. I was a complete and utter jerk to her at times, and that's not consistent with my personality or how I would treat her at other times. I'm super romantic and thoughtful. I love physical touch, quality time and acts of service. Words of affirmation might be a tie tbh. But I was a jerk to her because that test (at that time) triggered feelings I had not addressed with a woman I was no longer with but still hated. That circumstance reminded me of a woman who I resented and and up until like maybe a week ago, aI still hated.
I projected that negative energy and mistreated a woman I loved with all my heart. I treated her like she was my ex. smh. I pray one day she can forgive me. She has prob moved on to someone else by now tbh. We don't speak anymore. I'm learning to forgive myself for the things I did back when I wasn't myself. I accept responsibility for those actions, but I can sleep better each night knowing that 1. I identified my problems and put in the work to fix them. 2. I'm an amazing person. Sadly, I hurt some people along the way. Some people I loved and wanted to spend my life with.
Furthermore, I can't really fault the woman I coached with or any other woman for that matter. As I spend more time by myself, btw I started going to weekly Wednesday night bible study by myself, I realize how hurt I was and how much work I needed to do on myself. I had to learn it the hard way tho, and although that sucks, AT LEAST I'M LEARNING. It feels good to see the errors in my ways, ask God for forgiveness, and then put in place a plan to grow as a person. I dunno if any of the people I hurt, i'll ever be able to reconcile with. But I do know that I'm learning not to let the hurt I experienced from others consume me. That pain is dangerous and for years it got the best of me...until now. I forgive myself for the hurt I caused and I forgive them for the hurt they caused me. I just choose to love myself more than others these days. That's the greatest gift I could ever give anyone...being whole. Falling back in love with God is probably the best decision I made in 2018.
It's okay that i'm romantically alone, I need a minute for my spirit and heart to heal. it's okay that i'm off social media. Ain't no twitter in heaven anyway. Been crashing with Phyllis and opening up to her more, but I don't like this space. To be honest, I never wanted to be here. I'll be gone soon, and I think that's a healthy decision. My relationship with God is about the only thing I need these days. I wish my pain wasn't so jarring. Maybe then people like her, people who care about me, wouldn't feel like I need primitive tools to workout my complex emotional issues. I need some time to grow and get away from the subtweets, emails, hurtful msgs and petty post on social media. Most of all, I just need to spend more time falling in love with myself and God. Getting back to the person before all the madness. I pray to God for forgiveness, and I believe God has forgiven me. I pray those I hurt in anyway do to. And most of all I forgive those who hurt me, and I forgive myself. I'm Growing With It.