Kings Bleed Too

A space dedicated to exploring and expressing the experiences of Black Men…#KINGSBLEEDTOO

PAIN IN MY EYES

MAYBE IT WAS ALL THOSE NIGHTS I SPENT MAKING THE CAMPUS LIBRARY MY BEDROOM. MAYBE IT WAS THE TIME AN EX GIRLFRIEND PUNCHED ME IN MY FACE FOR TURNING THE RADIO UP WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO EXPRESS HERSELF TO ME; LORD KNOWS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO TUNE OUT ENERGY I DIDN'T AGREE WITH. MAYBE IT'S SEEING THE HEALTH OF MY LOVED ONES DECLINE, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY PROCESSING MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM. MAYBE IT'S KNOWING THAT THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO HURT ME TO MY CORE. WOMEN WHO'VE CHEATED ON ME, DISREGARDED ME, TOLD ME I WAS "FAKE DEEP". THE ONE WHO LIED ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO PROTECT THEIR JOB AS A GRADUATE ASSISTANT. OR THOSE SUPER SPIRITUAL/RELIGIOUS WOMEN THAT CLAIM TO HAVE SEEN JESUS, BUT I ONLY EVER SAW NAKED. I GUESS I WAS SUPPOSED TO FORGET ABOUT THEIR MISTAKES AND NOT DORGET ABOUT THEM? MAYBE IT'S SEEING A WOMAN I LOVED AND MADE SACRIFICES FOR, TREAT ME LIKE A STRANGER. OR THAT SIBLING THAT TELLS THE FAMILY I'M HAVING A CHILD, AND NEVER APOLOGIES FOR LYING, THEN PROCEEDS TO ASK ME FOR HELP WITH BILLS. 

SOMETIMES I TRY TO IMAGINE WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT PAIN. WOULD THINGS BE DIFFERENT WITHOUT SOME OF MY DARKEST EXPERIENCES? SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I MARRIED MY CAREER TO AVOID HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN IN MY EYES. THERE ARE WOMEN WHO OWE ME APOLOGIES. THERE ARE MEN I WANT TO FIGHT. THERE'S MONEY ME AND MY MOMMA NEVER GOT TO SPEND. THERE ARE PLACES I'VE NEVER BEEN BECAUSE OF MY PAIN. THE OTHER DAY I BEGAN TO WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF THE WOMEN I SLEPT WITH OVER THE YEARS. I HAD TO STOP. ALMOST EVERY NAME I WROTE CAME WITH SOME PAIN. THAT FEELING OF BEING EXPENDABLE; I KNOW IT LIKE I KNOW MY NAME. GIVING ALL OF MYSELF TO WOMEN WHO ONLY EVER WANTED 9INCHES AND NIKES. 

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT THESE DAYS, ALL YOUNG AND NAIVE.  THE PAIN IN MY EYES HAS LEFT ME WITH DARK WISDOM. CAN'T BE OUT HERE JUST BELIEVING WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME, NOT AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE SEEN AND THE THINGS I BELIEVE. PEOPLE LIE EVERYDAY. I'VE BEEN TOLD "I LOVE YOU" ALL OF MY LIFE. I JUST NOW STARTED FEELING IT AT AGE 30. BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SETTLING DOWN. IM SUPPOSED TO BE PLANING FOR A FAMILY. IM SUPPOSED TO BE 'GETTING MYSELF TOGETHER" AND "WORKING ON MYSELF". I'M SUPPOSED TO BE BOOKING FLIGHTS, TAKING PICTURES ON BEACHES IN BALI, AND "GETTING TO THE BAG"...RIGHT?

THE PAIN IN MY EYES LEAVES MY PERSPECTIVE JADED AND DARK. I SEE RED. I FEEL DARK. I WAKE UP AND RUN MY MILES BECAUSE IT BEATS DWELLING IN NIGHTMARES AND SEEING VISIONS OF THINGS I CAN NEVER UNSEE. IM TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING "I DON'T SEE YOU OUT ANYMORE". IF ONLY THEY REALIZED THEY'RE THE KIND OF ENERGY IM AVOIDING. IF I'VE FOUND ANY HAPPINESS THESE DAYS IT LIES WITHIN DOING THE THINGS I LOVE THE MOST; WRITING, RUNNING, AND DEVELOPING ATHLETES. AND FOR NOW, THAT'S ALL I SEE...

MAYBE THE PAIN IN MY EYES IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED... MAYBE THE PAIN IN MY EYES IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO SEE. THE PAIN IN MY EYES IS WHAT I SEE. AND IF YOU ASK ME, THERE'S A LOT OF BEAUTY FROM THIS ANGLE

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PAIN 

IN 

MY 

EYES